Fear and self-loathing in the entrepreneurial trenches

February 5, 2009 10:31 AM

From a post to my mastermind buddies this morning, slightly edited for family audiences.

I am a bit blue and harried today. Two customers are being a pain. (Take that, inner censor. I'm modeling authenticity not spiritual correctness just this minute.) My wrist hurts; my fingers are numb; and I have almost no range of motion. I'm wondering if I should bother with physical therapy or if I should just go back to my doc and say "cut me open."
On the surface I am two parts flow and two parts chaos. Under the surface, I am two parts chaos in two parts flow. I suppose that's balance of a sort, and being a Libra, maybe it's my right and proper state. I notice the temptation to self-loathing and criticism, anxiety and fear. I was about to write that it takes a lot of energy to manage/resist same. Then, duh! it hits me: managing and resisting never have worked for me. Hello!

When I wrote that I had no intention of going public with it. But then, it struck me that going public was exactly what I needed to do. For one thing, I hate it when either of us (that would be you, dear reader, or me) put me on a pedestal. I'm afraid of heights. Always have been.

For another thing, it was only a couple of weeks ago that I wrote in The Split in the Soul of the Accidental Entrepreneur:

It's Not About Being Good, It's about Being Real The world does not need more fear or anger. There is plenty of resentment to go around. And, paradoxically, when we repress or reject or avoid our own fear, anger, and resentment, the world suffers as much as we do ourselves.
The great work is not about overcoming darkness. Darkness and light will not be separated. Our great work in our businesses and personal lives is to tend to what lives in the darkness so that, when it comes to light, it comes as a sprout breaking through the earth where it will bear fruit.

Yes, I'm looking forward to the moment when the oneness and perfection of all things just as they are is as real to me as my own heartbeat. I love that. And, for now, I'm going to put my head in the demons mouth.

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Comments

I think there's a lot of that "customers are being a pain" thing going around.

I just completed a major milestone for a big customer -- really stepped up and went the extra mile for them, as they changed requirements mid-stream and were very unreasonable and demanding. I submitted my end-of-month invoice and didn't even get an acknowledgment, just more whining and moaning about the next steps.

Finally, yesterday, I did the "just checking that you received it" thing and within a couple of hours I'd received this amazingly snotty email about how they were "challenging" the bill. (Not too sure what that means, as they'd approved the estimate in writing.

I'm suspecting that, like all of us, the probably are very low on money themselves. But they're effectively accusing me of lying about hours worked on the project after I went far beyond the estimate, and that's really on my "one strike and you're out" list.

Good news: I now have some time off to relax and work on my business with the help of Molly's book.

Better news: My wife supports me fully that I shouldn't be working for people like that!

Posted by: Dick Carlson at February 6, 2009 6:18 AM