April 27, 2006 9:45 AM

I'll feel better when I stop doing things wrong.

Is it true?
No. How can I know that I'll even notice I'm not doing things wrong? How can I know that I would prefer not to do things wrong (until I do)?

How do I react when I think the thought, "I'll feel better when I stop doing things wrong."

I feel as though the front of my body is contracting, pulling in, and pushing backward; clenching, contraction. I hold my breath. I run away into the future. I mentally abandon me and reject me. I treat myself like an enemy. I avoid sharing myself with others. I withhold myself from me and from others. I want to run away and avoid what is right in front of me. I want to escape.

I feel tired. I want to get away from me and my mistakes.

I used to use alcohol, not I use sleep (is it true?) and shopping.

I live with an inner authoritarian dictator, and then I want to defy the distator. I go to war with me. I avoid work. I find it difficult to begin things and I delay completing them.

I feel fear and dread. I anticipate that unknown thingds will go wrong. I expect that I will make mistakes that I don't even realize are possible.

I believe people will be angry at and disappointed in me.

I procrastinate:

taxes
speech writing
planning projects
marketing
filing
hiring
lesson planning

I tell myself it is my fault when I get ill or injured.

Who would I be without the thought that "I'll feel better when I stop doing things wrong."

PRESENT.

I'd be ready to do what I do in this moment. I'd be alive and engaged.

Turn Around 1:
I won't feel better when I stop doing things wrong.
True enough. How can I know either way? How can I know I will ever believe that I am not doing things wrong? How can I know it would feel better? (I get a payoff from believing I am doing things wrong in that it lets me believe I can always be better and that there is a way to control how people respond to me.) Whether or not I do things wrong (how can I know?), it's my thinking that causes me to feel good or bad.

Turn Around 2:
I'll feel better when I stop trying to do things right.

Amen.
I'll begin.
I'll be here.
I'll complete things (or not).
I will be okay with me.

Turn Around 3:
I'll feel better when I stop doing my thinking wrong.
True. I "do my thinking wrong" when I fight it instead of noticing and questioning it. Fighting or attacking my thinking causes me pain.

Turn Around 4:
I'll feel better when I stop doing me wrong.
Yes, in the sense that I do me wrong when I harrass and hound myself and when I abandon me.

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