In short, key systems in my mostly online business failed. And two weeks is an eon in Internet time, so I'm a wee bit concerned.

But I haven't freaked out.

Now I'm not saying I won't lose my cool eventually, but for now I'm more or less okay. For one thing, I have a really good team of techs working with my Web host to figure out what the heck is going wrong. For another, there's not a darn thing other than letting them do their work that I can do about it. And finally, as Maggie, the office angel, says, my clients and readers are really, really nice people.

I'm sharing this because self-employment is full of crises, and we don't always have a whole heap of control over resolving them. If we aren't attentive, we can fall into the trap of freaking out because it seems like we should. But that's just not so. Nothing is improved by freaking, and a whole lot goes better without it.

Now if you are freaking out, that's cool. No need to heap insult on injury. And if you can find a moment in which to breathe, do that. Then ask yourself if it could be okay to accept what's going on and let go.

Somehow money issues send us into virtual hiding.
It's easy to understand why Accidental Entrepreneurs are uncomfortable talking about money, especially the lack thereof. Who wants to look at their clients as dollars?

The trouble is, we need to have open, honest, and clear conversations about money if we want to stay in business. When we avoid those conversations, our economic survival instincts kick in. In other words, the more we try to hide from money issues, the more we think about money.

Driven underground, our legitimate interest in money sours. We feel ashamed that we, who aspire to authenticity and service, could spend so much time thinking about money.

And there is nothing like shame to send us looking for a box to put over our heads.

Out of the Box
There's a way out of the box, a way to have open, honest, and clear conversations about money, even when a client seems to be struggling.

The first key is to realize that you can't possibly know for certain what the client is experiencing. Is it financial turmoil or indigestion?

This is not to trivialize people's financial problems. And it is critically important that we learn to stay out of the client's business, allowing them the dignity and space to take care of their own interests.

Here's a thought experiment to prove the point.
Imagine a conversation with a client who balks at paying your fee. Notice how your body reacts. Listen to your internal dialogue. notice how you are mentally explaining the situation to yourself and what expectations arise from that.

Now imagine the same conversation with a twist: you watch and listen to the client with a kind of naked curiosity, as if you honestly don't know or need to know anything more than what you are hearing in the moment.

The difference between those two conversations is the difference between going into hiding and staying present.

And that has everything to do with what happens next.

So, Tell Me More
The natural next step when someone tells you something new is to ask clarifying questions.

What a thought!

From inside the box, asking questions about the client's financial situation is unthinkable. Invasive. Manipulative. Sleazy.

From outside the box, it's common courtesy. When we know what we don't know (i.e., what this situation really means to the client), we are teachable.

Let's say John Artless asks if you can lower the price on a painting. Inside the box, you leave John and go chasing after thoughts like these:

* He thinks I charge too much.
* My work will never sell at this price.
* Friends shouldn't expect discounts.

But outside the box, in the clear light of not knowing, you can respond with the simple request, "Say more."

How simple is that?

Magic
As soon as you ask a question from outside the box, a magical thing happens. Your connection with the client gets deeper.

When you stay present and connected through a vulnerable moment (and talking about money makes just about everybody vulnerable, whether they look vulnerable or not), the connection deepens.

The simple act of staying present to and connected with another human being when money is the subject is a radical and transformative act. In that moment, you have left the world of tit-for-tat and entered a living dialogue.

There's no telling what may happen.

The Critical Importance of Letting Go of Results
This kind of magic depends on not-knowing, on letting go of your preconceptions as well as of the results of the conversation.

This is not a magical formula for getting people to give you money.

This is a practice that is guaranteed to transform your way of being when money is an issue so that you can stay present and connected.

Trust me, if the two of you can benefit from doing business, you'll find a way so long as you are present. And if you aren't a good fit right now, you can both walk away without slamming doors or stepping on toes.

The key from start to finish is to know that you don't know what a client's statements and requests about money mean. Stay in the moment, question your interpretations before they send you into hiding, and you'll be amazed at how your bottom line will change.

Writing down what there is to be done and focusing on three single daily actions leads to momentum, confidence, and increased creativity and freedom.

There is just no point in putting out a creative, insightful and ingenious article that is fabulously valuable to your ideal client. That is, unless you're going to follow that up with more content on a consistent basis.

On the other hand, structures like editorial schedules can set us up for fear, floundering and failure. They become artificial constructs that loom over our lives and suck the joy out of whatever we're doing (and I know that writing doesn't hold that much joy for some of you to begin with).

Deadlines are interesting creatures. It is often in our nature to coyly watch them approach, throwing them a bone here and there with a little bit of effort, but secretly craving the adrenalin and drama of the last minute frenzy when the deadline arrives.

As this pattern repeats itself, you'll go one of two ways. You may let the deadlines pass, losing trust in yourself and becoming less willing to risk or grow in your business. Or you push yourself to meet them, sacrificing self-care essentials like adequate sleep, rest, hydration and nutrition, not to mention spiritual and aesthetic nourishment.

I've found that if I'm not taking care of myself, I simply cannot do my best work. Those self-care sacrifices pile on top of each other until I'm completely weighed down and void of creative ideas for my blog or my business.

Shhh! Don't tell the readers of my Idea Generator blog what I'm about to say, because I've been harping on them for years about the importance of consistency. But the truth is that self-care is much more important.

To honour this truth in my own work life, I've long since removed the word deadline from my vocabulary. I prefer scheduled delivery date, publication date, time line or submission date. If I have committed to my readers or clients that I will deliver on specific dates, it's important to those relationships and my credibility that I keep my word as best I can, but it is not a matter of life or death.

Schedules help us plan our time and manage our commitments so that we can publish new content as consistently as possible. But remember that your editorial schedule is meant to serve you, not the other way around.

I use a schedule to map out my work time in a way that is sane and manageable for me. And the first slots I fill in are my self-care activities. With this approach, there is plenty of time for both consistent content and self-care.

Linda Dessau is the founder of You Talk, I'll Write and the Idea Generator blog. She ghostwrites and edits content for newsletters, blogs and social media. Her clients are coaches and others who want to build trust, relationships and credibility while growing a service-based business. Committing to consistency is only one of her 7 Secrets of Content Marketing Success—you can discover them all when you sign up for the free video at www.ContentCreationCapsule.com.

First, can I just say that I hate the term "upsell"? I mean, who wants to ask every client or customer, "Do you want fries with that?"

I'm betting not you.

But it's a convenient term. And I figure the more we can decontaminate the language of marketing and sales, the better.

And upselling doesn't need to be about squeezing the last nickel out of your clients. It can (and should) be about taking each relationship to a new level.

Levels of relationship
When a prospective client first encounters you, you are strangers. If you've listened to your just-right clients carefully (something you can learn more about in the no-cost download listed in the sidebar), they will see and hear in you enough of their own stories to move a little closer.

They'll want to learn more. And if you've built a pathway for them, they'll step on the first steppingstone. That can be an ecourse, a newsletter, or similar offer that lets them get to know you better with little or no risk. It's the first level of relationship.

The next steppingstone or level of relationship involves a bit more connection, a tad more risk and commitment. Here's where your client makes a modest purchase. (What's modest is going to vary with your field.) Both you and your client take a step toward the other. Communication (and mutual benefit) increase.

Do you see where I'm going with this? So-called upselling is offering appropriate steppingstones to clients. What makes the steppingstones appropriate is relevance and value to the client.

And yes, you are earning more as your clients progress along the path. Which is a good thing, not only for your pocketbook, but also for the relationship. Reciprocity rocks.

Relationships need to broaden as well as deepen.
Not all upsells are to higher priced products and services. Some are to similarly priced (or even less expensive) items. This kind of upsell consolidates a relationship and helps the client integrate what they've already gotten. They provide a rest stop where the relationship can be maintained at a comfortable level until it is time to move along the path.

If it makes so much sense, why don't we do it?
I'm thinking that this picture of upselling makes sense to you. (I sure hope so.) Which begs the question, why don't Accidental Entrepreneurs upsell more often?

For one thing, we're swimming in a culture where upselling creeps us out. On the side of the seller it's about money. On the side of the buyer, it's about consuming more and more.

(This is not to say that there aren't any companies that use upsell to grow relationships. For example, I appreciate the option to choose a faster and more costly method of shipping when I order things online. But I digress. How unusual.)

So upselling has this creep out factor, which makes Accidental Entrepreneurs hesitant to use it.

Getting past the creep out factor
The key to getting past the creep out factor is to go inside. Let yourself get centered and think about what it takes for someone to really and truly get the most benefit from what you do.

You'll probably notice that the answer is somewhat complex. For example, if you are a bodyworker, you may notice that a single session, while beneficial, isn't going to be nearly as effective as regular massage. And it could be that some clients need to use other modalities as well.

In other words, to be fully responsive to the client's situation, you would need to offer them additional services and recommendations. It's a service, not a come-on.

On some level you already know this. But you may have been shying away from saying it to people because of the aforementioned creep out factor. And perhaps you've tried saying it a few times but had an uncomfortable experience.

The discomfort (for both of you) happens because you're creeped out. That takes you out of the moment and away from your authentic commitment to your client's well being. It keeps you from making your recommendations without attachment to the results.

But you can change all that by mentally rehearsing the upsell. Go to that place where recommending additional products or services is a sincere offer in the client's best interest. Rest there and notice that this offer, in itself, supports the relationship whether the client says yes or no.

Then imagine both scenarios. See yourself hearing yes and providing the additional work. See yourself hearing no and feeling complete because you lived up to your responsibility. In either case, you've pointed to the next steppingstone, and that's all that's required.

If you've ever suffered doubt because you know can't deliver everything in one product or service–or you've tried and seen clients go away utterly overwhelmed (tell me about it)–I hope you can see that upselling is the solution. You don't have to pretend to do it all, all at once. You can rest in your role as a guide rather than a white-shoed salesman.

And that is a very good thing.

Photo credit: evilpeacock via Flickr

Do you expect to get to the other side?

Of course not. But that could be how you're relating to self-employment.

The feel good trap
One of the traps self-employment can set for us is believing that it should feel good. Even if our work pulls us out of self-absorption, it's easy for the feel-good trap to keep us from doing less appealing things. Like marketing. Or selling. Or bookkeeping.

Perhaps it is the intimate connection between our emotions and our work that tricks us into thinking that self-employment ought to feel good.

It's a dangerous belief.

When you believe self-employment should feel good, you enter a vicious cycle of make-wrong. It starts with not feeling like doing whatever needs to be done. When you avoid the task, your momentum slows. When momentum slows, enthusiasm drops. And pretty soon you're feeling even less like working on the project than when you started. And then you berate yourself for procrastination.

And it all started because you thought you needed to feel god about doing something.

Why feeling good isn't relevant to taking action
The fact is, you don't need to feel like doing something to do it, not even to do it well. Our moods are actually rather poor indicators of how well we will do on a specific task. More important is being clear about what we want to accomplish and choosing the next step to getting there.

Like writing this article. Sometimes writing just flows. And sometimes my brain feels like mush and I can't remember where I put my authentic voice.

But experience has proven that putting it off doesn't help. The longer I avoid writing, the harder it gets.

And every time I choose to focus my attention on the next indicated step, the writing is good enough, and often even better than that.

I'm not talking about stuffing your feelings.
You probably already know that stuffing your feelings makes trouble. Whatever you send underground leaks out somewhere else, usually in embarrassing or destructive ways.

What I'm talking about is accepting your feelings and then taking the next step in the creative process. Because every aspect--not just the obvious ones--of self-employment is part of a creative process.

This means getting some distance between you and your moods and emotions. Just enough space that you are not completely identified with your feelings. Enough wiggle room that you can make creative choices, one step at a time.

How to get out of the feel good trap
Okay, so how exactly do you do that?

Recognizing that you don't need to feel good (or "feel like it") to take action is the first step. This in itself unhooks you from your emotional state.

Next, understand that momentum comes from an accumulation of small actions, not from big, enthusiastic pushes followed by grinding to an unenthusiastic halt. When you really get this, you can take baby steps regardless of how you feel. And those baby steps add up. (Like jotting down a few ideas for this article. And then putting one sentence after another without insisting that they be "right.")

When the way you feel is getting in the way of taking action, tuning into your body can help. Notice how your emotions are showing up in your body. What is the sensation in your belly, your chest, your shoulders or jaw? Paying attention to these things makes you more aware of how your feelings are affecting you. And awareness leads to change.

Refocus your attention. When your attention is locked onto how you feel, you can't pay attention to what you are trying to accomplish. Remind yourself why this is important. Not to overwhelm yourself with significance, but to clarify what you are up to. Then identify the next step in the process and take it. Don't wait until you can take it perfectly, just take it.

Talk it out. Have a buddy or mastermind group you can talk to when your emotions take over. Reporting what is going on can often create the distance you need to get unstuck.

Self employment is a creative act
Self employment is a creative act. Whether you are creating an income stream, a marketing piece, or a benefit for one of your clients, the rules of creating apply. One of them is to watch out for the feel good trap.

For more help escaping the feel good trap, check out Stephen Nachmanovitch's Free Play, Improvisation in Life and Art and Robert Fritz's Creating. Yup, this is a repeat recommendation. They're essential reading for self employed creatives.

Photo: istockphoto.com

"If I read another blog post that tells me to just “be myself,” I might have to yank myself bald."

I can so relate.

Being yourself is the new mantra in the world of marketing. And I have to say, the experts who are touting this have a point. After all, I've been teaching a version of this for 25 years.

So why am I griping about it?

Because as soon as being yourself becomes a shtick, it stops working.

What do I mean by being yourself becoming a shtick? I'm talking about what happens when you feel inner and outer pressure to emulate the voice and mannerisms of successful people in your field who have distinctive personalities.

It starts innocently enough. You read someone's stuff and you think, "That is so cool. Fresh. And valuable, to boot." Then you get the impression, valid or not, that this someone is, forgive me, raking in the dough.

Suddenly being authentic in that particular way is associated with success. So without even thinking about it, one of two things happen.

Unconscious mimicry

This is embarrassing, but true. I am a spontaneous mimic. I don't mean any harm, but I can't help but pick up the speech patterns, word choices, and rhythms of the people I'm hanging out with.

If you're like me, it's easy to fall into mimicking someone else's authentic marketing style. The problem is, it doesn't work. Your just-right clients want to heard from you, not a clone of someone else, however cool they may be. Besides, once you catch yourself you feel icky.

And that brings us to the second problem.

Feeling less than
Whether or not you go through a phase of mimicry, comparing your marketing to someone else's is a losing game. You don't know what's happening behind the scenes with that other person, but you imagine they have it made. You, by contrast, do not.

And, to make things worse, you can't even be yourself the way they can be themselves.

Notice, that concept doesn't even make sense. Yet we can get tied up in knots because we fall short of someone else's style of authenticity.

Is this making sense?
I'm talking about myself, doncha know, so I need to check in and see if you can relate. Even though I will be horribly embarrassed if dozens of people drop by the blog to tell me what a sad case I am.

But I digress

Being yourself isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Look, being yourself amidst the concerns of self-employment is not easy. Who has time to be themselves when they're dodging a thousand tiny slings and arrows? No one.

Then there's the little problem of which self you are supposed to be. The self that shows up when you hold a newborn? Or the self that shows up when you have a hot date with your sweetie pie? Your self is not a static entity, and the harder you try to "be it," the more inauthentic and confused you're likely to feel.

Light at the end of the tunnel
The solution to all this is simple, if not easy. Forgive yourself for having mixed motives. For being both a loving, giving, skilled human being and a fearful, grasping impostor. As best you can, suspend judgment when you find yourself trying too hard to be yourself (or anybody else's self).

Give that self a break. Then pick yourself up and begin again.

Last word
I started this post with Jen Louden, so I'll end with her, too. In mid-February she's holding a yummy virtual retreat. Three days of food for your soul. Right now the price for the entire event is a sweet $108, which is a tiny fraction of what you would spend on a weekend getaway.

You can get all the juicy details here

And in the interests of full disclosure, you should know that I make a commission if you enroll from this link. For me, that's just icing on the cake of loving Jen's work.

Oh, and there's a cute video of Jennifer being herself at the top of the page. No kidding.

Photo: istockphoto.com